(About a 5 min read… do you relate?)
Like so many days, we were getting ready for church… it was the thing to do… and I went because my wife went… however, I did enjoy the connections with people…
I can’t say they were like minded… because I was different… off beat… and I didn’t trust easily… but I also had this naive insecurity of wanting to fit in and be a part of something… everywhere i chose to go, i would get roped into serving… my late wife would encourage me to serve by saying she would do it with me… and then she’d bail and I would stay…
This year was one of those years… the church had a picnic… it was a ministry to the community and to the congregation alike… people looked forward to any opportunity to get together back then…
It was destructively rhythmic… any time there was a healthy gathering, event, holiday, or any special occasion… the 24 hrs before would bring a huge disagreement… she was notorious for making plans and then breaking them mins before they were scheduled… and I was the one standing at the door informing our guests that they weren’t welcome…
As you can imagine… this made it hard to have friends… it was too personal… there was too much accountability… I used to tell her that “it’s ok… at least you tried…” but inside… I hated the thought of putting people out like that… eventually, people stopped accepting our invitation… and I confess… I resented her for that…
The summer came quick this year and I was looking forward to the picnic… my life was work and stress… it was a way for me to “let my hair down”… and connect with people in a group…
As usual… the day before became progressively stressful… it was as if the whole world was coming to an end the next day… my wife would say she didn’t feel well… predictable… to which I replied “you can just come for a little bit and then go home if you’d like…” we had been telling people we would be there for months… and I wanted to be faithful for once…
Her response was quick and sharp like the swift clean laceration to my heart… I was prepared and controlled my response… I pressed a little and that was it…. BOOM! She started screaming and hitting herself in the head over and over again… she screamed “Stop it! You can’t make me do what I don’t want to do!! I hate people! I hate people!!”… I stood still and kept my face unmoved… by this time we had been married a decade… and I had learned all too well about her tantrums… I waited for her to stop… it took an hour and a half… and by then, she had busted her own lip, given herself a black eye, bit her tongue and bruised herself in multiple places… suddenly… she came to a erie calm… turned slowly… stared at me through her tussled hair… and said, in the clearest voice… “if you make me go… I’ll tell everyone that you did this to me…” it was a sharp, cold wound… the kind that felt deep… like fear… and you never forget it…
I didn’t sleep that night… I lied awake staring at the ceiling… my late wife tried to snuggle up to me as I laid on my back and I felt sick to her touch… I got up, went outside and stared at the stars wondering what it did to deserve this life I’d chosen…
I left the next morning and went to the picnic alone… that was the last picnic I could go to for over a decade…
Life is full of choices… you can choose to be bitter… or you can choose to be better… the thing about the past is that it’s behind you… and you can’t do anything to change it… I chose better… so, today, I go to picnics… I enjoy the company of friends… and I don’t let the past keep me from my future… my past ended when I found Jesus… the life before, although a memory, was left behind for a greater future…
Thanks for listening.
Michael
🤍
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