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What does love look like?

(About a 4 min read, but worth it!)


I first arrived in Colorado in 2017… I was desperate, hurt and hated the games people played… specifically the church.


For years leading up to this I had tried to be different… to stand out… embrace the weird and offbeat like it was something to be desired… I just wanted to belong…


I was raised as an inconsistent-non-committed Baptist, my father was a poor example of a man… I longed to understand what a loving Father was.


At 15 yrs old, I met Jesus at a youth camp in New Hampshire… I felt the call on my life to minister… but I had NO IDEA what that was… the seed was set so deep that I pursued it for years… continually being controlled, rejected or pushed out…


I met my first wife in youth group and we had 3 kids and a terrible marriage… I was subjected to her projected pain and hurt through abuse and violence for 21 years until she succumbed to cancer…


I was alone, lost and had no purpose or direction… I had skills, but zero passion for anything… accept music… it was my therapy session…


I struggled… cried… fell down… got up again… cried and struggled to the point that I came to my end… I was done… I surrendered… and that’s when things started changing.

I was trouble… a rule breaker by nature… a tester of all things righteous… a poker of sleeping lions… I trusted no one and wasn’t afraid of anything…


… But then I met a man that I thought was fake… I thought he was a charlatan… always smiling… confident… it made me angry… and yet I was drawn to him….


I began meeting with him regularly as I was healing from my loss… and I wondered if I could somehow crack the code that had held me on the outside for so long…

The process hurt… my need to impress and my feelings of inadequacy were over- whelming… but nothing shook him… he just listened as I spoke like a sailor and threw my opinions around… always patient… always encouraging… always leading me…

Later that year I met a woman… I had grown a lot that year, but I wasn’t looking for a relationship… I just wanted to play music… stick up my middle finger to “the system”… and blame the “One Percent” for all of my lack…


Once again… accepted… encouraged… she was an overcomer and like me, shared a similar back story… but her heart wasn’t tainted… she was whole where I felt like I was a fragment.

We married. Our children, all hurt and struggling, were now my responsibility… I was excited about it… but I was very intimidated… but although I rose to the occasion to lead and love my family… I often felt like a hypocrite for trying to lead while still feeling broken, incapable and angry…


Another woman entered my life as well… she was all fire and yet compassionate… I had resisted women like this in the past… but it was because of the high standard and accountability I felt I could never measure up to…


My brokenness wasn’t an excuse to her… always the cheerleader, encourager… and… the hammer… i was confused how someone could hold a standard and yet be so compassionate at the same time…


I was surrounded by great people… the type of people that I resisted and hated most of my life… the kind of people I longed to be, but didn’t know how to become… at all…

I spent many sleepless nights struggling… writhing… asking God “why”… crying… cussing God out for what He led me to… accusing Him for bailing on me…. blame… blame…. blame…

I had an epic line of experiences… testing love… boundaries… listening to God… missing it… doing it again… missing it again… over and over and over again… some days wanting to give up and go back to what I could control… but never being able to…


I would think: “What is keeping me here?!”… “Why can’t I just give up?!” when the pressures and responsibilities became to much…


After 30 years of what has felt a lot like lost time and wasted years… I’ve learned one important thing…


There is no one too far for God to reach… I preach God’s love… because He reached out for me and pulled me out of my pain… my hate… my hurt… my dysfunction… and showed me who He was through three non-condemning, willing examples of God’s heart.

I’ve said it before and I stand on it… God IS love… experiencing who He is has changed who I am… I’m not the same… now I’m more than enough… I’m more than a conqueror… I’m loved by God… I have a new family… I’m extremely blessed…


Thank you God, Daniel (Dad) Tracy (Mom) and my amazing Katrina. I’m forever indebted to you for loving the unlovable and damaged… for seeing the diamond in the rough and for showing me what love looks like… so now I can show others…


~ Michael





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